So in case you missed app my pics on Instagram,
Meet baby Finlay 🥳👇
He came 4 weeks early, we were 8 days in hospital but home in time for Xmas! 🥳
There was a lot of changes and prep in the run up to the birth,
I was building baby rooms, installing radiators, as well as prepping my business to run without me for a while, alongside juggling the usual Xmas rush
So after a year of writing every week, I hadn’t written an episode of Life by Design in over 3 months,
Which I’m trying not to beat myself up about.
I wrote before about using intrinsic motivation as a tool for long-term success.
ie external Vs internal motivation
So for this article I’m only writing for myself.
Fatherhood is new challenge for me. It really is the miracle they say it is.
It’s tough, but it’s magic, a total privilege, and it changes everything.
It literally rewires the way your brain works.
but I also think there’s a lot of false expectations set by high standards and airbrushing that happens on social media.
In fact, from speaking to at least a dozen new parents they all gave Immy and I the same advice;
ignore those “perfect lives” you see on social media.
everyone says “it’s hard” but there’s also an expectation that you should just take it all in your stride,
to rise to the moment.
In reality,
I think parents today are under intense pressure and expectations that simply didn’t exist even a few generations ago.
Particularly for women.
Your supposed to be a good mother, but also have a career,
and get back in shape for the ‘gram within 3 months.
and possibly run a sidehustle selling jam or knitting bespoke doilies at the same time.
So a lot of internal conflict around being torn in multiple directions,
particulary the tension between balancing parenting and work.
As an entrepreneur, work for many decades has been a large part of my identity,
so I don’t want guilt around feeling absent, if not in body then in mind
Even before Finlay arrived I’ve been working hard since October trying to put things in place so I could step back and take on fatherhood with focus and commitment.
On a lot of levels I still think raising kids isn’t compatible with traditional entrepreneurship.
Running a business can be all consuming.
Your mind is always partially on the next challenge at work.
IMO, People just weren’t meant to work full-time and raise kids at the same time.
Just because most people are doing it now doesn’t make it normal or natural.
and before you start inking your death threats, no, I’m not saying women should go back to raising kids, and men should be sole bread winners, or even anything close to that.
I’m saying that in a 1st world country, we shouldn’t require both parents to be working full time for financial stability.
It’s still a pretty new idea in the grand scheme of things:
Women entered the workplace after WWII, and it was a huge step forwards for gender equality.
But instead of everyone having twice the income, mortgages and cost of living just adjusted to compensate.
So instead of two working parents reducing financial exposure, it actually increased it.
Now we find both members of a couple working, both raising kids, and still struggling to make savings.
Yet or millennia, babies weren’t raised by couples, they were raised in communities.
People would share the burdens (and joys). It was a team effort.
“it takes a village to raise a child”
We’re sold a narrative that we should be able to deal happily with all the stress and challenges of parenthood, plus holding down a nine to five which is frankly absurd.
It’s just one of those things where everyone does it, so it must be normal.
I’m seriously impressed by anyone who raises kids.
Anyone who raises kids whilst holding down a job is even more so.
And those who run a business on top of that….
Massive respect.
I guess I’ll find out what I’m made of soon when the hard stuff starts.
For myself, I feel very fortunate.
I have reasonable financial security, a stable relationship, agency over my own time.
Many make do with a lot less.
I want things to run smoothly for my clients, because if I don’t, I feel it’s me personally letting them down.
But if I choose to work too hard then I sacrifice family time, and I have no-one to blame but myself.
So I know that a LOT is going to have to change.
As a solopreneur the only person choosing is you,
The buck stops with you.
If I choose work over family only I am to blame
But you also have more of your identity tied to your work than any 9-5 job.
It’s not a job it’s a part of you.
But now you have another part of you, your child,
Which requires infinitely more.
I’m not saying it’s a burden, it’s a privilige
But there’s more conflict when you work for yourself.
I’d be curious to hear from other Solopreneurs and freelancers about this conflict, particularly mothers
And how they have dealt with this.
I’m determined I’m going to be present, mentally and physically for this.
Which meant some hard choices began even before Finlay arrived.
For many with employment I think it’s not easier but it is less complicated.
When you work for someone else, you go off on leave, you drop it and walk away, it’s now someone else’s problem.
Fathers as they have only 2 weeks off then it’s back to work.
Mums are left to deal with the newborn themselves and I can’t imagine how much pressure and responsibility of dealing with that alone.
It’s really a pretty weird way of doing things if you ask me.
2 weeks is not enough,
But I guess there’s no other options which in a way, makes it simpler, if not easier.
When you run a business,
It’s not a job it’s a part of you.
But now you have another part of you, your child,
Which requires infinitely more from you.
The choice of work vs family is mine and mine alone.
No-one is holding me to any paternity leave.
except the sense of ownership and pride I have in tying my identity to Design Hero.
If I take 4 weeks off no-ones going to tell me no.
So it also requires make a conscious choice where to spend your time, and how much time to take off.
I know the status-quo wasn’t going to work for me.
I’m excited, nervous and curious to see what this first year of fatherhood and entrepreneurship looks like.
and as usual I write to make sense of my thoughts.
Random thoughts
The beauty of journaling my whole consciousness for the purpose of writing about it online,
is that I have captured my exact state of mind,
at the precise moment that I decided I was ready to become a father
In all honesty,
I never had much interest in kids.
I always saw wanting kids as some kind of collective madness inspired by biological drives.
They always look so miserable and beset by the hardships of parenting 😅
I had purpose in my life I enjoyed my freedom and just didn’t feel the need to add anything.
From the outside it seemed like kids add more stress than they do happiness.
I believed there was plenty of purpose and fulfilment to be had without kids.
and for a while, there was!
I had a business to build, goals to smash.
But as time goes on I realise that personal achievements only get you so far.
But then after a while I reached this point where you realise that everything I was doing is just to accumulate more personal wealth, or more personal time and I just think, “why?” “what for?’
Without something, or someone to frame them, personal achievements become meaningless.
I learned to realise that hardship isn’t something to be avoided, but embraced.
Exhaustion isn’t the same as misery either.
In fact I realised some of my most challenging times in my life I’ve felt my most aligned with myself, most in flow.
Kids become the purpose that shapes what you do, and gives you a why to work towards.
Sure, there’s no longer any time for all the stuff I used to do for entertainment, leisure .
It can be frustrating.
But also they suddenly just seem less important, as your dealing with new challenges.
Babies are are hard.
They remove a lot of options. But life is hard, and challenges are what keep you young and your consciousness growing.
It’s like a contrast. Yes there’s a lot of crap bits,
But that makes the highs even better.
It’s not for everyone and I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting kids it’s certainly a lot simpler haha and cheaper haha
But I’m a sucker for work anyway, so If I wasn’t doing this I’d be working on other stuff,
so I may as well choose problems that give me joy.
I guess what finally changed my opinion on having kids is that I found my little slice of stability,
I built my little patch in the world,
and success in work was no longer the struggle that gave me fire,
in fact I had began to feel a bit hollow without some larger purpose to frame it, and I guess the idea of kids started to become that structure.
For me that realisation came at an odd moment:
I wasn’t meditating or hiking,
I was just standing in my kitchen cooking eggs
I was just standing in my kitchen cooking eggs.
I didn’t know it yet but Immy was already pregnant
and the very next day we would find out.
If that isn’t fate I don’t know what is…
Here’s the full note from my journal…
Immy working 80 hour weeks
Seeing her more this weekend has made me realise what I’m missing.Yesterday I felt crap about work
I got out into the garden and built some stuff.
Hard labour and sunshine transforms me
The next day I was a new man.
But I wish Immy was about more to share the garden with me.Cooking eggs in kitchen listening to Witt Lowry rap his grandfathers dementia
His father has just passed away
It connected somehow and hit me in the nuts.Where will I be in 20 years?
Is this something my child might read?
Is this journal a record of my life for them,
To help them navigate the world?I have to start building something else except a legacy of work
I think I feel finally ready to be a father
I need to capture this moment
___
I remember distinctly in the drive in realising this the last time I’ll never be a dad and being a bit worried about that.
___
It is insane that you need to sit a test to drive a car,
you have to do a personality test if you want a job,
you have to fill out a form if you want your bin collected
but anyone can have a baby, no tests, no courses, no training, nothing.
Insane.
___
I guess I expected that they would sit you down and explain how it all works.
I thought there would be a pamphlet or something.
I guess the midwives do it everyday so it’s normalized.
But coming from a business perspective I expected them to approach it like I would onboarding a client:
Telling them exactly what to expect, explaining timelines, instructions on what to do at each stage.
But for some reason no-one really explains anything,
Or tells you what’s going to happen or when.
The general verdict is you might have a baby,
somewhere in the next 5 minutes to the next 5 hours, or possibly days.
But you might not.
“You could be about to give birth. or it could be cramps. We’re not sure. ”
___
So much respect for Immy she’s the strongest person I know and I am in aw of her strength and bravery.
Watching her on so much pain was extremely uncomfortable and I wish someone had given her the option of an epidural about 5 hours earlier.
The staff were so dedicated though.
It’s every bit as brutal and hard as everyone says it is.
During pregnancy everyone you speak to loves to share their horror stories with you 😅 Not sure why, but I’m glad they did, as it counterbalances the absolute BS you see on Instagram and Facebook.
Birth is every bit as brutal and hard as everyone says it is.
Update: I now believe this is because people need to process and talk about the trauma 👆
____
Birth reminds me of Carl Sagan’s “the pale blue dot”
Intellectually, you’re aware we’re all just a bunch of billions of hairless apes hurtling through space time on a speck of rock smaller than a speck of dust in the cosmic scale.
But actually seeing the Earth from Space leads to the widely reported “overview effect”:
A complete perspective which forces a shift in mindset to face reality;
It’s one thing to know my baby has been growing inside Immy.
It’s another to physically see your baby’s head through a little window in her fanny.
In other words, “shit just got real”
___
At one instant in time,
there’s two of you in the room.
You and your loved one. (plus 8 other Drs and midwives haha)
But then with one last heave,
in the next instant, he slips into the world and suddenly instead of 2 people there’s 3!
____
After the birth,
a lot of not knowing what’s going on and sobbing
“is he ok”
Me watching med student flapping not able to find a needle.
Me watching med students hand shaking while giving an injection.
Me wishing we hadn’t had a baby on changeover day.
Everyone’s got to learn to drive, I just wish they were learning in someone else’s car.
More sobbing
He’s all ok
More sobbing
___
Someone refers to me as dad and it takes me a while to realise their speaking to me.
Still don’t feel like a dad,
Don’t feel any different.
Except a bit more emotional maybe
And filled with love.
I guess it’s a role you grow into.
___
Handling them feels so alien the first time.
Day 1 You handle him as though it were the last specimen of a brittle flower on the brink of extinction, that might blow away on the wind.
Day 2 your flopping them about to clean them and smooshing a boob in their face.
___
In terms of work it’s strange, when I was at work I felt like all my time was filled and there was always more to do when I stepped away.
When I step away it’s as though I can’t conceive of what I filled all my time with.
Now I’m not working it’s as though there’s nothing for me to do and I have no particular drive to step back in.
Is this because I was doing a lot of stuff I didn’t need to?
or maybe I’m just not aware of all the stuff falling apart that needs done lol
Update from returning after Xmas break… it was the latter.
____
My plan was to step away full cold turkey for 2 weeks, then 2 weeks officially off then another 4 phasing back in.
Of course, naturally after being totally fine for 5 years a number of sites decided to crash just as we were heading into hospital,
and my hosting decided to run an update which fucked over the rest lol
Finally came 4 weeks early and I found myself in hospital, with sites down I was answering emails and fending off irrate emails whilst directing the team.
There was a lot of waiting about in hospital so I was still present both physically and mentally
but still, I could feel that pressure nagging at me at a time when I should have been 100% present.
Not great and not proud of it.
Maybe I should just have ignored the lot of them,
but when you’re tied to the business you feel that responsibility to your clients as part of yourself.
I have managed to take 4 weeks mostly off at home though so won in the end.
___
The team have been great in my absence.
I’ve worked over last few months putting things in place,
Asking tough questions,
Giving more power to make decisions,
and they’ve done superbly
But there’s still stuff that relies on me
Stepping away fully is very hard
It’s not just a job,
It’s my reputation, and more
It’s an identity
But there’s a new more important identity coming which I have to embrace
___
The first week in hospital was hard, we spent 8 days just dying to get home.
But once we were home I found things surprisingly natural and easy.
A lot of it was in the preparation.
We’ve filled a freezer full of nutritious home cooked ready meals.
We’ve organised the baby clothes
We’ve stocked months of nappies wipes, pads etc
All these little systems make life easier.
Of course there’s the lack of sleep and a constant rush of activity.
But I do think sidehustling for so many years has prepped me for this.
For immys part, she spent 6 months of pregnancy in agony with hip dysplasia,
And her 5 hours a night now seems like heaven.
On this note i’d definitely address the rose-tinted glasses around pregnancy.
It is NOT the beautiful romantic process that Instagram and the millennials prepare your for.
Most of it for Immy was being uncomfortable, depressed about body changes, awkward body changes, sleepless nights, heartburn and nausea.
It’s different for everyone,
But I think this should be talked about more so that more people are prepared for that fact.
_____
A lot of people say the hardest bit is that your life changes so dramatically.
Certainly my finely honed routine and schedule is kapoot.
I find I mostly manage to do the same personal routines things as I did,
But they are shortened into compacted versions:
Instead of a 30 min workout I do a 5min row while baby naps.
Instead of a leisurely walk with doggo I’ll blast a sprint around the field between feeds.
Ironically I’ve found a lot of time to read and to exercise
I do short 5 mins rowing sessions at 3am
I listen to my backlog of audio books whilst watching him, with his little contented mews as a backdrop ❤️
“What’s our problem”
“Flow”
“An emotional education”
I even listened to some fiction which I haven’t done in ages, “The mercy of gods” by S.A.Corey
But I know this is the easy phase
Once he starts moving about and requires entertaining it’ll be harder.
___
I’m actually a little worried about what it’ll look like when Immy goes back to work, I’ll inevitably have to take time out of design hero to be daddy day care
And I don’t want to resent that time as it’s special.
it may not be a problem though;
Its true what they say:
ambitions around work just seem less important already.
___
Interesting side note:
The month I’ve been off on paternity leave has also been my highest ever month for earnings in Design Hero.
I’m not reading too much into this because my income lags a few months behind my actions.
My marketing efforts precedes work a few months in advance etc.
But still…Interesting…
___
The birth process is a strange mix of the banal and the sublime.
Boredom, discomfort and wonder and awe
___
I also took some sales calls in the first week of us being home with baby and felt defensive when Immy rightfully called me out on that.
As much as I’ve tried to empower the team,
I’ve worked over last few months putting things in place,
Asking tough questions,
Giving more power to make decisions,
and they’ve done superbly
But there’s still stuff that relies on me
Stepping away fully is very hard
It’s not just a job,
It’s my reputation, and more
It’s my identity
In a 9-5 a lot of people suffer from just 2 weeks paternity
That’s not right.
But I also think secretly a lot of dads get a little break when they go back to work.
It’s not so much easier vs harder,
it’s just different.
If breastfeeding, Mum is always on the job, so there’s no respite or relief.
Just a change of scenery can be a huge relief, even if the scenery is “more work”.
___
The first week in hospital was hard, we spent 8 days just dying to get home.
But once we were home I found things surprisingly natural and easy.
A lot of it was in the preparation.
We’ve filled a freezer full of nutritious home cooked ready meals.
We’ve organised the baby clothes
We’ve stocked months of nappies wipes, pads etc
All these little systems make life easier.
Of course there’s the lack of sleep and a constant rush of activity.
But I do think sidehustling for so many years has prepped me for this.
For immys part, she spent 6 months of pregnancy in agony with hip displasia,
And her 5 hours a night now seems like heaven.
On this note id definitely address the rose tinted glasses around pregnancy.
It is NOT the beautiful romantic process that Instagram and the millennials prepare your for.
Most of it seems like being uncomfortable, awkward body changes, sleepless nights, heartburn and nausea,
Which is much easier to deal with when the baby actually arrives as you have something to show for it,
and someone to suffer for.
It’s different for everyone,
But I think this should be talked about more so that more people are prepared for that fact.
____
parenting is fine
It’s all the other life stuff that gets in the way.
Leaving for a clinic appointment then a window pane in the leanto collapses and let’s in water
When are you supposed to fix it, between hourly feeding sessions, sleep, healthcare visits and a yellow weather warning?
In the age of convenience, automation, AI and delivered to door apps, somehow we’re all so busy
That we don’t have time to look after ourselves, nevermind kids
And I haven’t even started back to work yet
That’s the stressful bit.
I don’t mind saying it worries me a bit.
I think there’s this expectation that your supposed to just fit a baby in around all your other stuff.
But these days 24hrs is hardly enough to even fit in your life admin.
The rest of your life basically goes on it’s arse indefinitely.
It seems ok at first but then
All that housework starts to mount up,
The lack of maintenance means things starts to decay and fester.
On the plus side all those tempting but minor admin tasks become truly unimportant and fall away.
Whilst previously If I had a spare ten minutes I’d use it to try cram in a call to EE to debate my soaring phone bill,
Or try to tackle clearing out the storage cupboard,
Now I simply let myself off the hook
I used to get frustrated with clients for being unorganized.
Now I realise many of them simply didn’t have the brainspace to take on their homework for the project
____
A moment of perfect joy,
he moved his little face in a little contortion and for a moment he looked likevme and I was overcome by tears.
The fact that they share your facial features is such an important key to realising
They really are an inseparable part of you.
They aren’t just another being they are you, not just in looks, but in DNA too.
I never thought the whole biologically related thing would affect me, but it does.
They say you’ve made a little person but it feels more accurate to say you’ve brought a smaller version of yourself into the world.
As they take on your ideals your morals your mindset and go out into the world that is true in a very literal sense
They are the sum output of my relationship between Immy and I,
our combined appearance, and later or values, thoughts and even DNA is in that wrinkly little potato.
___
An interesting fact:
puppies are cute
kittens are cute
babies are not cute
Everyone thinkgs their own beauty is cute.
But babies just look like overcooked baked potatoes.
Except for Finaly
who is in fact the cutest baby.
